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Name: Kayla
Interests: deep thought, reading, English Comp 101, psychological disorders, writing, role conflict, poking fun at democratic socialism, analytical literature, spiritualism, psychotherapy, ethnic studies, pop culture trivia, nature vs. nurture, perception vs. reality, cultural relativism, and making a difference.
Member Since:
8/3/2004
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I still miss you. I still love you.
It doesn't feel right.
I can't love him.
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Near to you, I am healing but its taking so long.
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- "Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it, because if we actually felt how much we loved them.. It would kill us"
I wish I knew the words to say to fix everything. I feel so hopeless right now because you're not letting yourself be free. I have so much I want to say, so much I want to do but you won't let me. If trying to get through to you wouldn't be so detrimental to our relationship (or what's left of it) right now, I'd be talking your ear off until 5 in the morning. I miss those nights incredibly. I miss you incredibly.
I never would have thought I was capable of such hurt. The sickest thing about it is that I'm sure this is the bottled up pain and anger finally taking an outlet. But now that I'm free, I lost you. That's what it feels like, at least. I hate how you're shutting me out. Part of me feels like it could be a good thing so you can heal. But another part of me feels like the only way to fix this is if we stick together. Clearly, we're two different people though. I heal differently. And have healed differently. But then again, is that really an excuse?
As much as it pains me to hold onto something that isn't even guarunteed, I want to. This is something my heart is set upon. This isn't something I can jeopardize or bargain. This isn't something to play around with. This is my life, this is the path that I want to take.
Part of me wants to forget about this and move on. Part of me wants to let it go, and stop the pain. But the other part of me wants to persevere. That part of me wants to. Imagine all of this after we've conquered what's left. We'd be indestructible. I hate the thought of you being with another girl. No other girl could offer you what I have. Love makes and breaks you, you can't have love without pain. You can't be happy without a downfall. Life is bittersweet.
I hate how you think I don't know what I want. It appears to be that way because it seemed I only started caring again after I heard about the other girl. That's not true. Our spark died, we got too comfortable with eachother. We needed a reminder of why we got together in the first place. Everything became monotonous. We lacked excitement. When it struck me that I was about to lose you, I was reminded of all the things that you have that I'll never find anywhere else. You care about me. Unconditionally. Well, you did at least. We laughed. We had fun. But not only did we nourish eachother and make eachother feel warm, but we had a bond. We had a certain degree of understanding within eachother that made every problem seem like a small bump in the road. Except this one, for some reason. It seems like you're forgetting. You're giving up. What I did to you fucked up your perspective. It fogged the road for you, which makes it incredibly hard for you to see. What we have is special. What we have IS one of a kind. It's been increasingly difficult to convey my thoughts into words for you. I can only hope you feel it too.
You said you don't think you'll ever get over what I did to you.
Anything is possible when you set your heart to it.
I'm living proof.
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Every day gets so much harder. I miss you lighting up my life.
Never in my life have I felt so ashamed of myself. So disgusted and frustrated.
I hold onto [our] stuffed lion Jacob at night. I hate sleeping alone. It's increasingly difficult to fall asleep without you. I miss your voice. Your laugh could light up even the rainiest of days. I miss our car rides. I miss turning the volume up so you couldn't hear me sing along. I miss laying in my bed for hours doing nothing, but somehow we were always content. I miss always being ready to do absolutely nothing, heh.
I want to grow up.
I want to be the girl that makes you happy.
I need to fix this.
I need to stop getting jealous.
I need to be more understanding.
I need to listen.
I need to be the girl that you fell in love with.
I don't ever want to give you a reason to leave me again.
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I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. I've lost so many close people in my life.
I won't let it happen again.
I miss you so much. I write because I can't tell you, and the words never come out right. I got us into this mess, never appreciating what I had in front of me. Always expecting something better.
I miss your distinct laugh. Your scent. Your clothes.
I'm falling asleep in your shirt, because it's the closest thing I have to you right now.
I'll never forget you. I don't want to let you go.
I miss our random adventures. Your carelessness as to what the plan was. Your continuous sympathy for me. You always cared. Something that not that many people show me. I loved texting you at night letting you know i was safe. Now, it's like you could care less. i really fucked up your mind, and I really fucked up my life.
I will never forget the day of my accident. Seeing you jump out of your car, still on, and sprint towards me. No one would or will ever do that for me. You showed me a part of life that I never thought existed. You opened my eyes and showed me light. I need you with me so bad, you're so special to me. You're unlike any other, you're irreplaceable. I took you for granted.
You never know what you really have until it's gone.
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